Tuesday, March 26, 2013

One is the Loneliest Number

Happy Tuesday!

Thank you so much for your meditations on meditation yesterday - they were great and I am always heartened to know that I am not the only person who struggles to "slow" it all down!

Another deep topic for today - loneliness.


I have been fortunate in my life - I think I have only suffered from loneliness once or twice in my life, both times were the result of moving to a new place - once when I was 14, the other time when I was 23 - and not knowing anyone for awhile.  If you are familiar with Myers-Briggs, my introvert-extrovert rating is even; that is, I feel comfortable doing public things, but I need to retire back home and re-charge my batteries.  I was the child who liked to go to slumber parties until about midnight, then I wanted to go home to my own bed.  My father was not impressed.  I have always had some good close friends and many acquaintances to call upon when required.

I have a close family member - not of my immediate family - who is suffering from loneliness.  When she married 12 years ago, she let her friendships all whither away.  Now she finds herself at home as a result of slowly losing her eyesight and needing rehabilitation (my gosh this does sound like a Bronte novel, doesn't it) and she is very lonely.  I have encouraged her to reconnect with her old friends and explore courses and online blogs, especially those geared at people in similar situations as she (she has the magnifiying tool for her monitor), but would love some other suggestions for her, if you have any.  She is working with the Canadian Institute for the Blind and they are being good to her, but what she really wants is to make some friends.  She is 53 years old and quite shy, but is feeling very sad that at 53 years of age she has no non-family friends.  I am sure you all have lots of good advice and I would love to be able give her some of your brainpower.  Have any of you gone through anything similiar and how did you cope?  If you feel able to share that would be so great!

This got me to thinking quite a bit about my own situation.  Since i have been off work, I have been home almost all of the time.  Most of that is self-imposed, but I can see how necessary it would be, should I choose to work from home permanently or for awhile, to have regular connections.  This blog and the other blogs I visit regularly are the real social parts of the workweek thus far.  I have ceased surfing the net unless it is for purposeful reasons and now just check on you all to see what you are up to. 

My husband is here quite a lot as he is working from home for his business, but he is out frequently at meetings.  Do those of you who work at home plan regular outings with friends or colleagues during the workweek?  I am by my nature a very social person, though I have relished the quiet tranquil pace of the last few months.  Now I am feeling restless to begin to see people during the week now and then, not only on the weekend.  Any suggestions as to how to do this without suddenly becoming overly social and not getting your work done?  Would love some advice?  I am also planning to add in some dedicated volunteer time to give back to the community if I do not go back to working 80 hours a week!

I don't want to end up like this:


Thanks so much for all your thoughts and comments - they are so appreciated!  Stay Safe out there!

52 comments:

  1. I was the child who upon walking upstairs to my new bedroom for the night would turn to wave to mum, scream, "I'm not staying" and run back down the stairs and then get smacked all the way home.
    I have hardly any friends left now, two died, and I have two others whom I see once very 5 months or so. I do volunteer but still get lonely as I don't really connect with the people around me there which makes me feel even lonelier sometimes.
    It must be awful for your friend to be losing her eyesight that would really increase the sense of isolation. Hmm, our old communities are dead now, I speak to my neighbours once a year, I don't know what to suggest.


    PS.That cartoon is hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad I wasn't only one smacked. I once called home at 3 am when I was around 9 and my mother said "you have got to be kidding" and hung up! It sees funny now; not so much then!

      You are right about communities - she doesn't live in a great community. And it is doubly hard with the eyesight issue.

      Delete
    2. That is so funny! If my parents hadn't come for me they would never have heard the end of it, I was small but whiny - hey still am!

      My mum loved her war days most of all, every time she talks about them she lights up and goes on and on about how wonderful war time was, for one, she was allowed to work, (she hated being ' an at home mother' and would really have thrived at business in another age) and everyone helped each other out, I don't think we have had any sense of community since then.

      Delete
    3. Also smacked. Don't want to be left out of the child abuse club we're forming.

      Delete
    4. I am pretty sure anyone between the ages of about 45 up were. I was so defiant my mother once broke a wooden spoon over my hand and I laughed. Oh I was a terrible child. Lovable, but very headstrong!

      Delete
  2. WMM- Sorry to be so brief, as I am rushing off to work I think that loneliness and depression go hand in hand. People who are clinically depressed have a hard time overcoming the hurdles to make friends and reach out. Perhaps your friend is suffering from depression as well. I agree, it is so important to have a reason to see people outside the home. Volunteer work sounds like a great plan. What about teaching at a community college? I am sure you have many skills they could use.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Knityarns - yes may do some teaching - taught at our university for several years. I think she may well be depressed and does have a therapist for that.

      Delete
    2. I bet you were an inspiring and enthusiastic teacher. I think you would have so much to offer!

      Delete
    3. I taught deviance in the sociology department. You can get up off the floor any time... :-)

      Delete
  3. I think this is such a great topic to explore here.

    My take on loneliness is that it is unbearable if that is what you think being alone feels like, and it really does depend on the situation one is in...

    My children are all consuming and very present right now in my life, so even though I have limited contact with other adults, I never suffer from loneliness, in fact, just the opposite. I feel overstimulated and like you, need the alone time for recharging.

    When I was younger and had no clue what my life would become (ahh, the early 20s!), I definitely felt very lonely, and was sad about it often. I had stomach gripping fear that I would be alone for the rest of my life, even though I had family nearby and many great friends.

    I suspect I will suffer the empty nest syndrome when my kids depart for college. I need to prepare myself for it which is why I am glad that I am aware I will likely end up feeling that way.

    I love my blog, I love the outlet it provides for me, and provided this is still a "thing" when my kids go away, I will probably still use the communities I am part of to be a partial cure for "time alone."

    However, I definitely see the benefit of getting out into the real world which is part of the reason I decided to take county sponsored sewing classes. I loved the company, I loved how productive I felt, and through the process made other friends who enjoy the craft as much as I do.

    What I would like to know is how to approach other moms, I feel like so many of them have such a broad group of friends already that I would be an interloper. I know you probably think that sounds crazy, but I have experienced the "what is she doing trying to join our group" look from other moms everywhere from the coffee shop to the pickup line. I do have some friends that are moms (thank goodness some of them are more friendly), but man is it hard to engage most other moms!

    I hope your family member finds some outlets for her loneliness. How hard! I definitely think taking classes or going to lectures is a great way to break out of the funk, but sometimes taking that first step is difficult!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dina, nature is helpful about empty nest syndrome - by the time they are ready Togo, I think you are pretty ready as well, though if they went far away - oy vey!

      O hear you on breaking into groups. I think it does get harder and I feel that some people gurd their friendships very jealously. I think I might have been more like that when I was younger, but not now. Now I am just so happy to makenew friends or meet new people, I am almost silly. It must be an age orvdefectnthing!

      Delete
    2. Dina - have been thinking more about your comment - I think that sometimes women can be much harder to get to know than men, and I have never quite understood why and i always think it is a shame. I think of how accomplished you are, what a great mother, how pretty, how you have gone through a lot health-wise and think: who wouldn't want to hang out with someone so cool? It is hard to put yourself out there. I still remember the first day I started my blog and I asked Dani and Tabs to pretty please come and visit. They were so enthusiastic, even more than I was. I wish all women were like that for other women - we would all be so much happier!

      Delete
  4. This is a tough one, as I think we all have a different tolerance for what we'd call "lonely", and for what remedies it as well. I think some sort of group for people who are also losing their eyesight would be a really good thing for this woman, as she undoubtedly suffers from both loneliness and a huge amount of fear ~ she really needs people who are going through the same thing.
    I think it might be hard to reach out to old friends of hers right now. A lot of them might feel that they don't really want to be "put upon" at this time, since the friendship had sort of disappeared.
    Also, maybe a book club for people who have limited sight? These are the only things I can think of at the moment, but I do think she needs to connect with people who are going through the same change.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kathy - those are great points - am thinking you might be right here. And she is really bright and loves to read - now with audible books - that might be a great idea!

      Delete
  5. I agree with Dina, taking classes is a great way to meet other people. I volunteer at my church occasionally, specifically for the breakfast program which is one of our key charitable donations, so I have a real interest in the success of it. I like doing the seasonal kitchen clean-up and I love the company of the other volunteers, but I've noticed that other volunteers are usually very busy people, there is good camaraderie when we're working but it's not necessarily a good place to make a friend to hang out with.
    I recently started pilates and the ladies there are lovely, most are older than me and I like them so much. I am not close to my mother and my MIL suffers now from dementia, I find comfort when I'm hanging around older ladies, their calm and their advice really bolsters me. I guess it's something that is missing from my life.
    I would suggest some kind of class, gyms are not a nice place to meet people, I find there is often a lot of misplaced competitiveness there, especially among women. But a sewing, knitting, yoga or pilates class might be a great place for your family member to be around like-minded people.
    I don't find loneliness a problem, I have limited energy for social events quite frankly, I have to be careful not to over-schedule myself. I have always been an introvert and happy to be by myself with a few good friends for occasional social contact. The best friends I have made these last few years have been through blogs, in our world today I think it is the easiest way to meet the like-minded!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dani - I am like you - if I have events two night in a row I start thinking "oh no!" I think she is thinking of pilates - will be curious about knitting for the blind - will be interested to hear what knityarn thinks about that when she gets home!

      Since my mom dies many years ago, I have gotten quite close to her best friend, who is 87 now - I just love her so much and she always gives great advice. She is away for the winter (she has 5 children and goes and stays with them all between November and March and they all fight to have her - how awesome is that?)

      Delete
    2. Hi WMM,- Home now! I googled blind knitters and there are many interesting entries. I can only imagine the self esteem and confidence issues that come with the onset of a disability. Having a hobby can be very inspiring, and social, too. I would think the Canadian society for the Blind, or a local hospital would have many such groups- knitting, choral, yoga. Maybe she just needs someone to take her to the first meetings to break the ice. The unknown is always scary.

      Delete
    3. That is a great idea - I will look up some of that - she has a counsellor from CNIB, so I suspect if I can plant some seeds, she is likely to follow up!

      Delete
  6. Dani, I've been going to the same gym for over 15 years and no one ever talks to me, ( or each other) I get the odd nod, that's it, folks here are so so reserved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DO you ever think it is because you are so good-looking? If I met you in person first I might think "wow - she is so great looking and posh - i shouldn't bother her!" Maybe they think you are a movie star. I am getting so eccentric when I am not talking to the plants I am talking to random people on the street.

      Delete
  7. I am a very social person and right now because of my situation(stay at home mom),most of my friends are moms from either preschool or school. That also means if i want to meet someone it ususally takes an effort to call,since i dont see peaople a lot.
    I am also often on the go to classes(ballet or school functions) and my own fitness,but on the other side i need my down time at home too.



    It must be very hard for your relative to be lonely and i dont have any really good suggestions,but maybe she can find a group with a commmon interest,like a cooking club or something she is interested in.

    OT Wendy i have a technichal blogging question for you or maybe someone else can give me an answer.
    Usually when i do a new post on my blog,it updates in other peoples blogrolls(like yours).
    Even though i have done two posts its hasnt shown up on your and anybody elses blogroll.It still says 6 days ago.
    Any idea why or what i need to change?
    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry Ina, I can't help you either there, I only have the basics.

      Delete
    2. Hi Ina, I don't know a lot about Blogger just WordPress. But often these issues are "cache"/ update problems. Try clearing your cache and refreshing the page:
      http://www.wikihow.com/Clear-Your-Browser's-Cache

      Is there a chance that maybe you have something checked as "Draft" somewhere?

      Failing those two, have you checked here for more "global" issues or posted yours: http://knownissues.blogspot.ca/

      Delete
    3. Ina - I know what you mean - when I had little kids we mostly hung out with people little kids - now we have all kinds of weird and wonderful friends!

      Delete
    4. And PS - KNEW GF would know! I think it is a cache thing - happened to me once and with my pea-sized technical brain it took a bit, but if I can figure it out, you for sure can!

      Delete
    5. Ina- I noticed that my latest post( On Trend Orchids), and 2 or 3 of other peoples newest posts are showing up in blog rolls with out pictures. I even asked FFM( Fabulous Florida Mommy) a very similar question. I wonder if Blogger is having problems.

      Delete
    6. blogger can be such a curse! There was a while I could only load pictures if I was in html mode. You can imagine how adept I was at that!

      Delete
    7. Thanks for the answers,i am still working on it.
      Hopefully i can resolve it:)

      Delete
  8. It's hard making new friends at mid-life. Like Tabitha, I've lost two of my closest friends, one to a very sudden cancer death quite recently. My other friends are all quite busy with their children and tend to spend their time with the parents of their children's friends. So other than my work friends, I'm quite at a loss on how to make new friends. My husband is quite the extrovert and seems to acquire new friends every day, but I have no idea how he makes it work!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hexicon, I too have found it harder now almost all my friends have children (we don't). That seems to become its own social network and understandable priority. For my close friends, I do try to keep tabs on their children and milestones, get involved where I can (although it can be odd being the only un-mommy too).

      Delete
    2. Hexicon - my husband and I are both kind of shy about meeting new people but I am trying much harder! I lost a friend to a divorce a couple of years ago - when she left her husband she left ALL of their friends, too - it was the oddest thing. We have also lost another friend to cancer and ut ends up being challenging to start over with new people. I am like Dani - some of my newest and better friends are those who I have met blogging - I think we censor ourselves less online or via email. GF - I hear you on being the nonmommy - one of my best friends has no children and she is getting very relieved that everyone's kids have all grown up!

      Delete
  9. FEELING CONNECTED WMM, I will come back about the friend as I also think this is an important topic. While I've always had to make new circles (LOTS of moves, throughout life) it has not always been easy or quick, particularly given work travel or being home-based, different stages/ priorities than friends, not wanting social life to be about my job, preferring a small circle of good friends to a big group of acquaintances, winter etc.

    To find social balance when working home-based I do make sure to schedule and KEEP at least one weekly coffee date with a contact/ colleague/ friend/ potential work source/ mentor. I've also started using a system of tasks and rewards - finish something, get to do something nice for a quick break. I make a point of taking a 15-minute walk at midday (fresh air, fresh perspective). I also try to pick up the phone or send a handwritten card once a week instead of just emailing. I have set up a Skype group with some of my other freelance resources (our "3 pm" water cooler chat). I volunteer in a 4-hr stint every other week (something totally different than work). And I belong to a professional group, force myself to attend their monthly event or lunch & learn, even if I don't feel like it. Once I get there it is usually very satisfying, beneficial. It took me about 3-4 mos. in this latest home office stint to try different things and figure out a weekly mix with at least one "outing" that worked for me.

    I was also very firm with self that these things were for MY social aspect of work, getting a break from the docs and spreadsheets. So, I do my best to only do things that are personally satisfying/ productive/ beneficial - refuse to get caught in trap of doing things for sake of being busy, professional obligation etc.

    Back to desk, HTH, more later on 1st question.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GF - you are INSPIRING ME!!! wow - I thought my 2 hours of set tasks a day was a good start! That is why you are so good at the freelancing - you take it so seriously! I have a lot to learn from you!

      Delete
    2. It is a job/ new career builder 8-11 hours a day, same as anywhere else. But I really learned to be good about home office when I was on road 3-4 days every week and home-based for three. When your desk time is limited you have to get disciplined. (And yes, I would rather read, do laundry, lots of things other than work, esp. the admin.)

      Delete
  10. You always pick the best topics to discuss WMM!

    Completely agree with Dani's comment. I don't find loneliness to be a problem, but when it turns into depression, that's when it becomes an issue.

    I am definitely an introvert and have always struggled with society's notion that everyone has to be an extrovert, popular and you should have so many friends, endless parties, endless social life, etc. No thanks. I can be social when I want to be (and esp. if I'm around certain friends and family, it's hard for me to shut up!) but I need my alone time to recharge my batteries. Hubs is the exact same way so he completely understands. It is such a relief to find someone who gets it and doesn't feel insecure when I need to retreat ("she doesn't want to spend time with me every single second! what's her problem?" lol)

    I have my few very good friends whom I see every 1-5 months. I have many good friends who live long distance, so sometimes we catch up every 6 months, sometimes it's a year or two, but they are there and we pick up right where we left off. I find those friendships to be more authentic because we don't waste time with the everyday small talk. I remember last year my friend and I went to Wpg to see a concert and I picked her up to drive there (she lives about an hour away). We hadn't seen each other in a few years but kept up with Facebook and email. We were hardly out of her town and on the highway .... but we were already deep in discussion about a topic and we did not stop talking during the entire 6 hour trip (there and back!)

    I teach music lessons two nights a week and accompany singers at church and for voice recitals/exams/festivals so it keeps me in the loop and gives me social interaction, plus it's a hobby.

    It's a shame that your friend lost most of her friendships after she got married. I hope she can find a way to meet some new people. I worry about my cousin, we used to be really close and she had quite a few close friends.... ever since she got married 4 years ago, she's dropped almost all of them and only really hangs out with limited people now (mostly people from her husband's side). She's just not the same but how do you tell her that without blaming the husband or involving him somehow.... such a touchy topic!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LR - you sound like my husband I - he is actually more apt to want to go out than me, but when I go out, clear the table, I am pretty much the life of the party. There are pictures to prove it and they are not pretty....

      I have seen this with some married couples and I always think it is a shame, because eventually, not matter how happy you might be, you do need some other friends. I love my husband, but I need my girlfriends - he just glazes over at some of my topics!

      Delete
    2. I'm like you, WMM, a pain to convince, and a pain to bring down from the table I'm dancing on :-)
      I find that since I was the first to get married in my group of friends (who, by the way, dispersed all over the country after college), many of my friends now feel (unprompted, really) that they cannot talk to me about "boy troubles" because I don't understand what it's like to still be looking for The One. In that sense, I find it to sustain some relationships from my college years. But I heard from other now married couples that the same has happened to them with their friends, so I conclude that while marriage didn't make me feel any different, it has isolated me a bit and I have to try so much harder. Maybe we need some more couple friends? Maybe.

      Delete
  11. Hi WMM, this is an interesting topic. Re. your family member first - I agree with Kathy that a group of people going through the same thing would be most helpful to her. I do hope that she finds something.

    My husband and I were talking about loneliness the other day - he says he has never felt alone or lonely, in fact he has never even lived alone. I did live on my own for years before I got married - I have to say I never felt lonely either, and I was in a foreign country. However, I do work really hard to keep in touch with friends I've made over the years - sometimes it's just for birthdays or Christmas, but in the case of my oldest friends, I email or phone every other month for a long chat. With this move I've not made any new friends - my fault, I've not put any effort into it, but I've also heard that people here are not particularly friendly (that's what my husband hears at work). Maybe I'm also just becoming a Grumpy Old Woman!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HI Patricia - people say that about Fredericton, but I never found it that way. But then, I guess after so many years in the same place you make friends so gradually you forget how you made them! I have only lived all by myself for a 6 month stint once. I actually liked it, but did feel lonely at times, as I was in a strange city. One of the things I have found is that blogs (and I guess the chat groups that preceded them) mean that we can all find our tribe - people we would never know existed but whom you really get to like. When Ema and I met, I did not feel like I was meeting a stranger, it was like we just "kept on" talking. I feel that way about everyone who chimes in here and am always tickled when someone new does, because I know that even writing a comment is hard for some people and I always feel honoured that they say something to all of us!

      Delete
  12. WMM, I'm so sorry about your family member. Losing my eyesight is one of my biggest fears. It has been suggested here already, but I'm sure she is feeling isolated and vulnerable. If it is possible for her to find a way to help others, I think she may feel more empowered and less depressed.

    In general though, I think the best way to have good friends is to be a good friend. For instance, I have a girlfriend who was always complaining that she never had anything to do on the weekends. So I would invite her out if I was going to a movie or out for coffee. After several months, I started to realize that our friendship was very one-sided. She would flake out on planned activities, and she never invited me out. So, I stopped making as much of an effort with her. And guess what? She's still complaining that she never does anything fun on the weekends. *eye roll*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Merry Wife - what you are saying is very true of my family member - she stopped going places and returning calls. It is hard to pick up when you are doing that. I think you are right - volunteering is a great idea for her and a good way to meet some people in a fresh environment where they meet her new and not feeling like she is only calling because now she feels in trouble. It sure is hard!

      Delete
    2. Hi WMM,

      I noticed you didn't mention if your family member had any children, which if she did would probably be grown by now. The reason I mention it is because I find my children, all grown, a source of fun and inspiration. Fortunately, they still find me fashionable, often raid my closet, and aren't ashamed to hang out with their moma! I love going out with them, or even staying in and watching shows mutually agreed upon or playing board games. They keep me rooted in the world as they live it, the here and now, and one of my daughters has a little girl, there goes the future! Even if your relative doesn't have children of her own, perhaps she can reach out to the extended family. She may even find it a little easier making friends with "a little one" than an adult! Even though she's visually impaired, she's still got something to offer.

      Delete
    3. Hi Michelle, she does have a daughter, and they are close, but the daughter, who is 32, is very busy with her own life and isnot of much assistance unfortunately. I agree - she definitely has a lot to offer, but is really only close to myself and my family and it is hard to get her out. I think giving back and connecting with others in similar curcumstances is a good idea - and you are right, connecting with young children can be inspiring!

      Delete
  13. Oh my God WMM!!! You got me here! Yes, one can feel so lonely and I find that today, with all the modern communication tolls we have, more and more people feel isolated... It is so hard to maintain relation and friendship. And sometimes you try, but the others don't care... I spoke about that not so long ago and you know it... I don't really have any good advices for your relative... I consider that I have easy contact, I am not shy and can socialize easily and yet, I consider myself very lonely when it comes to friendship...
    I wish the best to your relative and as already mentioned I agree that being able to find people with the same issue would be useful... May be social network could play a role here...
    Wishing her the best and sending her kind thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Steph! The one thing I am more and more conscious of is the fact that despite everything it is often so hard to make real connections and make real friendships. People feel lonely a lot, I think and some of that is how we are all living (busy, busy, busy) and some of it is what the media tells us our life should look like. If it doesn't, we get worried. I know I sometimes fall into that trap!

      Delete
  14. it's not so much being physically alone, you can be home with small children or with an invalid, or in an office where your work colleagues are mainly those you would flee in a social situation... it's the need to reach out. That's where the blog world is so nice, that's why it's nice to go out for a meal even though it's cheaper to cook at home, that's why it's nice to hang out in a bookstore even though you have a Kindle. And don't be snobbish about "lifeboat friendships," those people you cram with during Reading Week, the moms at the nursery school, the parents of your kids' friends. Some of these people - well, the word "flee" comes to mind again, but two of my closest and dearest friends are lovely ladies who befriended me in a lifeboat situation. I could philosophize and analyze, but sometimes the simple and practical solutions are what's called for. Ask questions in the garden center, admire babies in the arms of - well these days there are young grandparents and more mature first-time parents so I'll just say in the arms of someone who obviously is delighted with their role. True connections are indeed rare, but the superficial have their role also.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fred - you are my Philosopher Queen! Well said indeed!

      Delete
    2. Great comment Fred!

      Really enjoying everyone's comments!

      Delete
    3. Very nice and very thoughtful comment!

      Delete
  15. This really hits home for me as I have a friend going through something similar. I call and text her, and also try to stop by her house often, but I have also found that snail mail (cards) and care packages make her feel better. I think that finding a support group would be a great, two birds with one stone option: it would force her to get out of the house and also help her meet people who can TRULY understand her. I am thinking good thoughts for her, WMM!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, and I should say, have her read your blog ;-) You have created such a wonderful community here, that it feels like dropping in to chat with old friends, even though, as far as I know, only you and Emma have met face to face!

      Delete
  16. Hi AB!

    thanks for the kind words! I do love it here on this blog, but that is thanks to the folks who drop by - there is lots of energy here and all good!
    I know what you mean about when friends are in different points in their lives, sometimes you feel like that movie Sliding doors! I have found that it seems like people come in and out of our lives at various times and then they are gone and suddenly you reconnect again, once married or with children or retired! I have hardly any single friends now and I kind of miss it!

    ReplyDelete

Kindness is a virtue...